The Power Of Naming What You Want

I've been splitting my time between Connecticut and Florida for the last few years - what some people cheerfully call "snowbirding." In theory, it sounds idyllic: sunshine, a slower pace (other than my work schedule), a change of scenery. In practice, it came with an unexpected challenge I wasn't fully prepared for: aside from my husband, I didn't really know anyone here.

Most of my Florida neighbors are retired and I'm still very much in the thick of my career, coaching executives, conducting executive searches and leading team optimization sessions for companies who want to clarify their strategy and improve communication.  The rhythms and reference points are different, and more than once I found myself doing that polite social dance where you keep the conversation on the surface because it just doesn't feel like the right moment to go deeper. I started to wonder how long it would take to make real friends here.

Then I went to the dentist.

I hit it off immediately with my dental hygienist. Between flossing and complimenting my gums, the conversation flowed in that easy, natural way that happens maybe a handful of times a year, if you're lucky. It turned out that we live in the same community, so we swapped numbers — and now we're setting up a time to grab coffee.

And it happened because I was willing to acknowledge, out loud and to myself, that I wanted more connection with people down here. And then I did something about it. The good news is, that’s what my new friend wanted too.

That's the whole thing, really. You don't get anything by pretending that you don't want it. Instead, you need to lean into what you want.

The Gap Between Wanting And Acknowledging

Most of us walk around carrying a quiet inventory of things we want — more friendships, more recognition, a different role, a bigger opportunity — and we keep it remarkably private. Sometimes we don't even admit it to ourselves! We soften the desire before it can fully form, afraid that wanting something too openly makes us vulnerable to not getting it.

But here's what I've observed over years of working with senior leaders: the people who close the gap between where they are and where they want to be are almost always the ones who are willing to say the thing aloud. They don’t say it to everyone and they’re not careless about it, but they admit it to themselves and then to the right people at the right time.

There's actually research that supports the power of combining self-acknowledgement with strategic accountability. A study by Dr. Gail Matthews at Dominican University found that people who committed to their goals and established accountability measures were significantly more likely to achieve them. 

The caveat — and it's an important one — is that this works best when the accountability is tied to action and intention, not just to the social performance of announcing a goal. The distinction matters. Saying "I want to be CEO someday" at a cocktail party is very different from sitting down with a coach or a mentor and saying, "Here's where I want to go, and here's what I think is in my way."

The Cost Of Staying Quiet

I work with high-performing executives who are, by most measures, already successful. And yet, one of the patterns I see most consistently is people’s reluctance to name what they actually want — especially when it feels vulnerable or politically charged within their organization.

Someone wants to lead a major project but stays quiet in the meeting where the assignments are being handed out. Another exec has been quietly angling for a seat at the table for two years but hasn't explicitly told anyone in a position to help them get there. Another leader knows the current situation isn't working — the role, the team, the direction — and they keep hoping it will resolve itself rather than acknowledging it clearly enough to take action.

Staying quiet feels safer - I get it! But you can't course-correct what you haven't named. You can't build toward something you're actively pretending you don't want and the people who could help you — sponsors, mentors, board members, colleagues — cannot advocate for what they don't know exists.

This connects to something I write about in the context of authentic leadership: the freedom that comes from letting people see what's actually true for you. Authenticity isn't about oversharing. It's about having enough clarity for your own desires and values that you can communicate them with intention.

Acknowledging To Yourself First

The external piece — letting others know what you want — only works if you've done the internal work first, and that’s harder than it sounds.

There's a particular skill in being honest with yourself about what's not working. This isn't about self-pity or complaint; it's about information. If a role has become the wrong fit, if your current trajectory isn't pointing toward anything really meaningful to you — acknowledging that is the first step toward changing it. Avoiding the acknowledgment just means you stay stuck longer.

The same is true for ambition. Admitting to yourself that you really want the promotion, the board seat, the recognition — without immediately minimizing it or hedging it with "well, I'd be happy with whatever" — is actually a prerequisite for pursuing it with real conviction. 

The Vulnerability Of Saying It To Others

Once you've acknowledged to yourself what you want, the next frontier is saying it out loud, and yes, this takes courage.

Telling a board that you believe you're ready for the CEO role creates a vulnerability, and so is telling a colleague that you want to lead a high profile  initiative. Walking up to someone you've just met and essentially saying, "I like you, let's be friends" — as I essentially did with my new hygienist, in the most natural way possible — creates a  vulnerability in its own way.

Vulnerability, in this context, isn't weakness. It's the act of caring enough about what you want to risk the discomfort of wanting it openly.

I think about the executives I've coached who were working toward the CEO seat –the ones who moved forward weren't necessarily the most qualified on paper. They were the ones who could say, clearly and convincingly, this is what I want and here's why I'm the right person. That kind of clarity signals readiness and communicates confidence. 

A Note On The Right Audience

None of this is an encouragement to announce your ambitions indiscriminately; context and audience matter enormously. There's a real difference between declaring your goals to someone who has the ability and the interest to support you, versus broadcasting them to people who may have competing interests or who aren't positioned to help.

Part of the work I do with clients involves exactly this: helping them identify who needs to know what, and how to communicate their ambitions in a way that reflects real leadership and authenticity rather than overreach. Clear, strategic communication is its own skill. 

My coffee date with my new Florida friend is scheduled. I’m looking forward to our new friendship. I know it wouldn't exist at all if I hadn't been honest with myself about wanting more connection and then been willing to act on it.

That's the simple version of everything I've said here: you don't get the thing by pretending you don't want it. Whether the thing is a deeper friendship, a bigger role, or a more honest version of your career — say it to yourself first. Then find the right moment, and say it out loud.