Trust, Don't Micromanage And Other Leadership Lessons From My Sons' Weddings

I am currently living in what I can only describe as a beautiful, chaotic, back-to-back wedding season. My younger son got married last summer, and my older son is getting married this spring. Two celebrations, multiple families coming together, and more than a few moments where I had to resist the strong urge to call the shots.

I didn't, though. And every time, the results have been — and I expect will be — nothing short of wonderful.

Here's why this matters to you as a leader.

The Temptation to Control Everything (Even When You Trust the People Involved)

When your child gets married, you and they (well, the brides, anyway) want everything to be just right. From experience though, you know that something may not go according to plan. And you know how to prepare for contingencies, but you resist the urge to do so.

Just because you can lead something doesn't mean you should.

When my younger son and his fiance were planning their wedding, I made a conscious choice early on to be available, supportive, and honest when asked. I did not insert myself into every decision. I did not second-guess the choices they made. I trusted that they were capable, creative adults who had put genuine thought and care into what they wanted. Despite my habitual instinct, I just let them lead.

The wedding was joyful, personal, and absolutely them. People danced until the venue turned the lights on. There were moments that made everyone laugh and moments that made everyone cry (in a good way.) The couple felt the full ownership of their day and it showed in every detail.

I'm carrying the same approach into the upcoming wedding for my older son. Same trust, same love, same willingness to step back and let him and his fiance own their vision.

When I reflect on the wedding that was and the one that will be, what strikes me most is the knowledge that the weddings were and will be huge successes without my involvement. 

And in each case, the definition of success wasn’t mine, it was the happy couple’s. I had already done my part: raised sons with good judgment and good values and they felt comfortable asking for my input when they actually needed it. The foundation was there and then I trusted them to build on it.

Which brings me back, as it often does, to lessons in leadership.

The Parallel That Keeps Showing Up in My Coaching Work

One of the most consistent themes I encounter in my work with executives is the tension between oversight and trust. Leaders who have worked hard to build expertise, who genuinely care about outcomes, and who have strong opinions about the right way to do things — those leaders are often at the most at risk of slipping into micromanagement.

And I understand why! They care and they’ve seen when things go wrong. They know what "good" looks like and they want to ensure the best outcome.

But excessive control is one of the most expensive leadership mistakes a leader can make. Research published in the International Journal for Research Trends in Social Science & Humanities found that micromanagement consistently undermines employee morale, creativity and retention, even when the manager's intentions are good. And a 2025 systematic review in SAGE Journals concluded that micromanagement remains a major workplace concern precisely because it persists even when leaders know better.

The cost is not abstract. Gallup estimates that declining employee engagement — much of which is driven by poor management — cost the global economy $438 billion in lost productivity in 2024 alone. When people don't feel trusted, they stop bringing their full selves to work. And the loss of discretionary effort, I.e., the heightened “leaning in” that we see when employees feel engaged, has lasting impacts on an organization. 

The Lesson From the Wedding Is Really About What Comes Before the Trust

Taking a step back to allow others to lead is not something that happens by chance. It’s also not just about having willpower and a presence of mind. In the case with my boys’ weddings, this didn’t occur from a shrug and a hope for the best. It was the result of years of investment in them watching them navigate important decisions with confidence and care.

The same is true in leadership. Trusting your team to do their jobs without hovering over every decision is only sustainable when you've done the foundational work first. That means building a training program with real substance, not a one-time onboarding checklist and a folder of SOPs that no one reads after week two. It means engaging in communication practices that make your expectations exceedingly clear and then stepping back to let team members determine how to deliver on them.

The leaders I coach who struggle most with delegation are often the ones who have never fully clarified what they expect. People won’t understand expectations through subtlety or ambiguity; they need a clear vision. When they have that, letting go becomes far easier because you’ve given your team something solid to stand on.

What The Foundation Looks Like

So what does this investment actually involve? In my experience with leadership coaching and team optimization, I’ve come to see that it involves three interconnected elements.

A training program that treats people as professionals, not just participants.

This means giving people the context they need — not just the approach — so they understand why something needs to be done a certain way. When people understand the reasoning behind your expectations, they can make judgment calls that align with your standards even when you're not in the room. That's precisely the goal.

Communication practices that close the gap between your expectations and their understanding.

This is the work I referenced earlier around clarity. It means stating expectations aloud rather than assuming they're understood. It means checking for alignment before you end a conversation, not just assuming they have heard and processed your points clearly. And it means doing this consistently, not just when something goes wrong. 

A check-in cadence that demonstrates interest without communicating distrust.

Regular one-on-ones, project touchpoints, and honest conversations about progress are not micromanagement, they’re good leadership. The distinction is in the intent and the texture. Are you checking in to learn and support? Or are you checking in to catch people doing something wrong? Your team can tell the difference, and so can you, if you're honest with yourself.

The Institute for Corporate Productivity has found that employee autonomy has a very strong positive correlation to organizational trust. That trust actually makes a real difference in how much people get done. Autonomy and trust aren't in conflict; when the conditions are right, they feed off each other.

What Happens When You Skip the Foundation

I also want to be clear about the flip side of this — when leaders step back and “let their team handle everything themselves.” Most often, this happens when the leader is overwhelmed, conflict-averse, or simply disengaged. They confuse abdication with delegation. They give people latitude without giving them clarity, resources, or support  and then wonder why things fall apart.

And when things inevitably fall apart, it’s usually because teams feel unsupported, unclear about direction, and ultimately disengaged from taking personal accountability. Their leader didn't do enough up front to ensure their team members had what they needed to succeed.

The leaders I work with who have developed patterns of being over-controlling or under-supporting their teams almost always have a fixable root cause — whether it's anxiety about outcomes, a communication habit that was never examined, or a belief about what "good leadership" looks like that was picked up from an earlier boss who wasn't actually a great model. Coaching surfaces these patterns and replaces them with something more productive.

The Joy of Watching People Thrive

Here's the part I keep coming back to, both as a mother and as a coach.

There is something genuinely wonderful about watching someone you've invested in do something beautifully on their own. When my son and his fiance stood in front of their friends and family last summer, having planned a celebration that was completely and authentically theirs, I felt proud not because I built it, but because I'd helped build them.

That same feeling is available to you as a leader, and it's more sustainable than having control. When you invest in your people, communicate clearly, set them up with what they need, check in with genuine interest, and then get out of the way, they will tend to surprise you. They bring ideas you wouldn't have thought of, solve problems in ways you didn't anticipate and they grow faster than they would have under your thumb.

And you get to watch it happen, which turns out to be one of the best parts of the job.